Originally written on March 31, 2010

Due to a myriad of reasons as of late, I have been consumed in a state of self-introspection at yet another feeble attempt at actualization and coming to terms with a past that is one that most would not be proud of. Even worse, I have to come to terms with the realization and acceptance that I am the one, and only one, responsible for the choices I have made. This is never an easy realization. Blaming demons, families, addictions and relationships is typically the easier way out, at least temporarily, though that will eventually catch up to one as well. I suppose I am asking if true redemption is truly possible. If so, does it really matter? Perhaps it is just a façade that we use in order to go on with our lives despite past transgressions; to deal with the guilt that we have consumed ourselves with for these said transgressions.

If one is to redeem themselves for previous patterns of undesirable behaviors, how does that redemption manifest itself? Is it as easy as just saying or truly believing that: I have changed my behaviors; I have attempted to rectify the wrongs of my past; I have simply moved on and am living a more desirable life? If only it were that easy. For many, I especially, it is almost impossible to escape the guilt and escape the fact that many of the individuals that were harmed by one’s actions simply refuse to accept or believe that the previous patterns of behavior that led to their harm will ever be rectified by the one who caused and created the harm in the first place. Does that really even matter? There will also be those who accept that the actions made by the individual seeking redemption are genuine and that one truly is capable of correcting and/or modifying the behaviors that led to their previous transgressions. Others believe that their new found religious and spiritual virtue and acceptance of supernatural and omnipotent beings will ultimately absolve them of their transgressions. That, however, does not change the life they have to continue to live while on this earth, including the history that they seek to have absolved.

I believe that most of us are typically reactionary as a whole; in a personal and emotional sense, not necessarily in a political or intellectual sense. Because of this reactionary mindset, the wrongs done to us personally can linger and permeate our psyche long after the wrongful events have transpired. It is also possible that we can react positively and favorably when these wrongs have been rectified, and let that supersede the negative views we once held. But simply put: some will always despise us for our transgressions; some will forgive and accept us if we are genuinely living a more honest and fruitful life; yet others will not care one way or the other. In essence, the idea of redemption is simply a coping mechanism for those of us who have acted in ways that have caused harm to those who cared and love us. All that we can do is take personal responsibility for our past; amend the wrongs we have done if possible; and try to be content that we are living a life that is honest and productive. There is absolutely nothing we can do to erase the past nor can we believe that acknowledging and rectifying previous transgressions will bring about peace of mind. Redemption is a mere illusion, yet an illusion I will continue to strive for.